A therapist’s perspective on self-deception, anxiety, and the courage to live truthfully
“It’s hard to put into words, but lately I’ve started seeing things differently. Like, I didn’t realise how much I’d been pretending—just going along with stuff, at home, at work, everywhere. I’ve been trying to be more honest with myself since we started talking, and now it’s like… I can’t unsee it. And it’s a bit overwhelming, if I’m honest—but it also feels like I’m finally being real.”
This reflection came from a client during a recent therapy session. They’re navigating a period of intense personal transformation. Initially, they sought help for severe anxiety—crippling feelings of overwhelm, restlessness, and a sense of not being “good enough” in both personal and professional spaces.
What emerged in our sessions wasn’t just anxiety as a standalone experience, but anxiety rooted in sustained self-deception—not as an act of dishonesty, but as a deeply embedded survival mechanism.
This is a story I encounter often, and in many forms. It reveals how the truths we avoid, often to protect ourselves, slowly become the lies we live by. And when those lies are challenged, especially in therapy, the fallout can feel both disorienting and liberating.
🧠 The Psychology of Self-Deception
At its core, self-deception is a defence. It’s the mind’s way of protecting us from cognitive dissonance—those jarring moments where our beliefs and behaviours clash too painfully to reconcile.
For my client, self-deception began subtly. Telling themselves they were coping when they weren’t. Believing they were happy in relationships that drained them. Convincing themselves they were the problem at work rather than questioning the culture they were part of.
These weren’t conscious lies. They were narratives crafted by anxiety—scripts designed to reduce conflict, avoid rejection, and maintain control in environments that felt unsafe to be vulnerable in.
But over time, the cost of these inner contradictions mounted. The anxiety grew. Relationships became strained. Their sense of identity—of who they truly were underneath the coping strategies—started to fracture.
🏡 The Family Mirror
In their family setting, this pattern ran deep.
Raised in an environment where harmony was prized over honesty, they had learned to play the role of the “peacekeeper.” This often meant downplaying their feelings, smiling through discomfort, and prioritising everyone else’s emotional needs.
In romantic relationships, this showed up in small, everyday moments. Agreeing to things they didn’t want to do because saying no felt like letting someone down. Not speaking up when they felt hurt, then convincing themselves it didn’t matter that much. Apologising when they weren’t even sure what they’d done wrong—just to keep the peace.
“I’d catch myself thinking, ‘I don’t want this,’ but then I’d go along with it anyway. It just felt easier to keep things smooth. But after a while, I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore.”
Their anxiety fed this cycle. People-pleasing wasn’t just a habit; it became a full-time emotional job. They found themselves managing everyone else’s moods and reactions, leaving little space for their own.
In family dynamics, this need to maintain the illusion of togetherness meant ignoring difficult conversations, keeping quiet about old resentments, and avoiding the truth if it meant conflict. Even when something clearly didn’t feel right, they’d swallow their discomfort out of fear they’d be seen as difficult or ungrateful.
“There’s this thing in my family—like, everyone just pretends things are fine. You could be falling apart, but as long as you’re smiling at dinner, that’s what counts.”
It was only when they started looking at these patterns with compassion—not blame—that things began to shift.
💼 In the Working World
The professional environment provided a mirror of a different kind—one where masks weren’t just worn but rewarded.
Meetings felt performative. Feedback was politicised. There was an unspoken pressure to appear resilient, competent, and unflappable—especially in a workplace where hierarchy and perception held more weight than substance.
They started noticing how much of it was for show—colleagues acting polite to each other’s faces, only to undermine or criticise behind closed doors. Targets were missed, excuses made, then spun into neat narratives for senior management. Missteps were quietly shifted onto someone else. It was a culture of silent performance and strategic pretence.
“I used to think maybe I was just too sensitive or bad at my job. But now I see it’s like… everyone’s kind of pretending. Like, saying one thing in meetings and doing the opposite after. It’s all just… weirdly fake.”
The realisation hit hard. The problem wasn’t them—it was the environment. An environment where honesty could cost you reputation, and silence was safer than truth. Their self-doubt wasn’t a personal flaw; it was a natural response to a dysfunctional culture.
“It’s like the whole place is built on not saying what’s really going on. And when you try to be honest, you just feel exposed. Like you’ve done something wrong.”
🌐 The Social Machinery of Self-Deception
We often imagine lies as deliberate, malicious acts—but most self-deception doesn’t begin that way. It often forms in response to threats that aren’t physical, but emotional. For many, including this client, self-deception was born from anxiety. It was a way to feel safe in environments that didn’t always welcome vulnerability.
Whether from early life experiences, complex trauma, or simply being highly attuned to others’ expectations, people learn to shape themselves to avoid conflict, rejection, or shame. Over time, this shaping becomes automatic—a learned response that says, “If I don’t rock the boat, I won’t drown.”
We tell ourselves:
- “It’s not that bad.”
- “Everyone else is managing.”
- “That’s just how families are.”
- “You can’t be too honest at work.”
These are not conscious lies. They’re protective refrains, social scripts that help us preserve relationships, navigate unspoken hierarchies, and survive the pressures of performance—in both personal and professional roles.
In many ways, society requires a level of self-deception to function smoothly. A certain glossing over of contradiction. A willingness to smile while inwardly retreating. These quiet, collective performances keep the gears of the social machine turning.
But there is a cost.
When conflict is continually avoided, needs go unmet. When emotions are suppressed for the sake of harmony, authenticity suffers. When everyone is pretending not to feel what they feel, connection becomes performance, not presence.
For someone experiencing high anxiety—like this client—self-deception can feel like both a shield and a trap. It initially soothes, but over time it erodes the ability to trust your instincts or speak your truth.
The path forward isn’t about rejecting society’s norms wholesale, nor demanding radical honesty from everyone we meet. It’s about gently waking up. It’s about building the inner resilience to notice the gap between what feels true and what’s being said—and finding safe ways to bridge that space with honesty and care.
With the right support, self-awareness, and therapeutic guidance, individuals can begin to shift from self-deception toward self-alignment. Not overnight, not without discomfort—but with the courage to move forward rooted in reality rather than illusion.
🌱 Finding Support at GrowthMindsetSolutions
At GrowthMindsetSolutions, we recognise that anxiety doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s often a response to the dissonance between who we are, who we feel we must be, and what the world reflects back to us.
Whether you’re grappling with self-doubt, struggling with difficult relationships, or feeling adrift in your career, therapy offers a space to unpack these contradictions. It’s a place where masks can safely come off.
Through tailored support, compassionate insight, and collaborative work, we help individuals reconnect with themselves—with clarity, honesty, and purpose.
You are not broken. You’re waking up.
Let us support you as you move from coping into conscious living.
🧭 Reflections of Wisdom
Self-deception is not failure—it’s adaptation. It’s a human response to an inhuman demand: to always fit in, to always be fine, to never need too much. But those who begin to challenge these internalised scripts aren’t breaking down—they’re breaking free.
This journey isn’t about forcing truth onto others, nor purging all illusions. It’s about choosing, moment by moment, to meet yourself where you truly are—and to live in alignment with that self, even when the world asks otherwise.
In doing so, the work becomes more than personal. It becomes radical. To reclaim your truth in a world of unspoken compromise is an act of bravery.
And every time we choose honesty over habit, presence over performance, we don’t just heal ourselves—we invite others to do the same.
Warmly,
ThriveAlly
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